Dean Family - Victoria's Story - Year 3 - 2014

You know when you’re driving in a thick fog and you can’t see anything around you. Then for a brief moment the fog clears and you can see so clearly. Mostly, you can see the fog around you as it starts to envelop you and again you’re surrounded in a blur and no matter how hard you focus it will not clear. That is the best way to explain how I felt at the time. There would be these really clear moments when I felt like myself and could see all that had transpired for the last few years. My other kids were getting bigger, starting to deal with their own battles as they transitioned into teenagers. Teenage years are hard and that can be compounded when you live daily with the stigma of suicide and death. We talk all the time about how we should support our kids, be there for them, but we never address the serious mental changes that are happening to them and if you are prone to suicidal thoughts, this time of your life can be the hardest.

During that time we worked on ourselves, we spent time together as a family. We went home and spent time with those we don’t see often. We tried to fill the void with liquor, medications, and anything we could to occupy our mind. The nightmares didn’t get better, the feelings of despair did not lighten, I had become hostage to this one moment in time. It started to define every aspect of my life. It made me crave order. It made me feel more; for everyone and everything around me. I started to meet people who had also lost their children to suicide and even though their experience was different; their pain was something I understood and related too. It reminded me that this type of loss is deep and we should do all we can to ensure others understand how much they mean to this life. How much of a difference you make- even when you feel like you are all alone, your actions are like ripples in the water of life and those ripples can cause tidal waves around the world.

I have been able to see this one ripple in full effect. I became friends with the family of the officer who was only trying to help our family and Taylor. The two never met; however, Taylor changed his life and his family. This is only one small example of the people Taylor touched. He never knew they were thinking of him, hoping he would make it, and they also felt the pain when he didn’t. A ripple that affected their lives forever, and gave me a wonderful friend and support system. Tragic, and yet there were these small moments of clarity when I could see something other than that defining moment. Something that slowly turned into hope.

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