Dean Family - Jarrod's Story - Year 11 - 2022

My son Taylor James Dean left us 11 years ago. It was a Sunday. I remember the look on his face when it happened. It wasn't real. It wasn't happening. I remember the exact time we said our last goodbye at 8:03 pm. I'll never forget any detail of that day no matter how hard I try. I've seen a lot of deaths first hand throughout my life. Especially my early careers or just generally being lucky enough to be in the absolute wrong places at the wrong times. I've done CPR more times than I have fingers. I've been in burning buildings and had carpet melted to my feet, pulled children from car wrecks, etc. but let me tell you, nothing, absolutely nothing will ever prepare you to watch your child get killed as you stand there utterly helpless. I miss him beyond expression. I'm forever mournful. Forever guilty. Forever sorry

 This is who I am. This is my reality. I'm not okay. Haven't been since it happened. Something happened inside me I can't explain. I think, feel, and act differently. I can't help it. It's not as easy as people think to just change the way you feel but I manage. Everyday I manage.

I'm bi polar. Not for conversation expression bi-polar you say in passing but seriously unstable bi-polar. I also have serious PTSD. Great combo let me tell you. I have horrible vivid flashes that jar me out of nowhere and I try to hide so I don't look stupid for flinching or cringing "for no reason". I have night terrors, sweating and screaming some nights. I have serious social issues and a touch of agoraphobia, the list goes on. I'm too embarrassed to hang out with people and too self conscious because I feel like I'm freaking weird now and not sure how to act or what to say anymore. It's really crappy but that's my reality. I don't want pity, I don't want attention, I want you guys to never experience what I did and bring light to the seriousness of how we affect each other. Maybe, and hopefully this will be an insight for someone or something in your life. You don't see it. You wouldn't know it, but it happens. I'm not ashamed anymore. It just is what it is for me. Everyday it's a work in progress and I'd like to think I've gotten better at coping to some degree. It can't rain all the time right.

I only share all this with you guys because mental health & suicide is some serious shit. Very serious. It's real and happens far too often. I lost my son because of it and now battle it everyday myself. We don't do enough or even understand enough to be a little more compassionate or recognize signs of distress. Taylor was in a really bad mental state when he left us and I was too blind and too naive to see it. It's something I will never forgive myself for regardless of therapy, drugs, or comforting words from friends. You never know the struggles of someone else but maybe you could. Be kind to each other and live like there's no tomorrow because someday there won't be.

 Do something nice for someone today. Pass out a flower. Say thank you. Hold the door open. Give somebody a hug. Give yourself a hug.

 I am truly blessed to have a family support system that's allowed me, well saved me and I'm still not entirely sure I'm worthy to have the love of a beautiful woman who has watched me utterly fall apart and helped glue me back together as best she can. She's dealt with me for about 25 years now and I am beyond thankful and I forever love her. I am not an easy man. She's a strong woman and has been the glue that's held our family together. I'm thankful for my children that have been so strong over the years. I'm sorry I was so selfishly broken and wrapped up in my own head to realize you guys were broken too. I can't change anything but know that I would if I could. I love my family with all of my heart and soul. I hope everyone is doing well and prosperous. Thank you Victoria Dean Kiera Dean Ashton Dean . I love you guys more than anything and more than I'm capable of expressing. Waiting Until Tomorrow Day 2022

Godspeed people.